My Birth Father

After talking with Micau I had decided that I wanted to try to find my birth father. Not necessarily to meet him but just to see if there was an address or phone number; not that I know what I am going to do once I have it. Micau found his picture but the address with it wasn't correct when we called information. The other thing too is that it may be unlisted. I was disappointed when I saw the picture. I thought there would be some kind of recognition, some kind of big flash of memories come flooding through my brain..something. But there was nothing. No revelation, no memory, no anger or sadness or joy. I felt absolutely nothing. I couldn't believe it. This was the person I have been nervous about seeing; scared to find out who he is or where he lived. I think my mood changed for the past couple of days because I just really wanted to have some recollection of my early childhood and there wasn't any. I think I was also upset because I had somehow pictured him differently...i thought he'd have darker hair..of course in the picture he is 53 years old. So hey it was all gray. Seeing him made me realize that all my fear and unhappiness lay with a memory of a big bad monster that is really just an aging human being and that I really don't have anything to fear..I wish my mind would realize that because I do have nightmares I just don't remember them. I had been feeling sad so yesterday Micau suggest I go do something for myself..i went to get a pedicure. I decided while I was getting one to write a letter to him. Not to send but just to get out all my repressed emotions and write it down on paper. I think that will help. From there, I don't know. I'm not sure if I really want to know about him or my mother...I would like to know about family history, if I have any brothers or sisters, maybe some closure but I am afraid that I may be disappointed in who he is now. So for now, I will just take it one step at a time.