Thursday, July 28, 2011

Meeting New People..Bad Idea

Most of you who know me know that i suffer from anxiety, mostly social anxiety.  My therapist thought it would be a good idea to get involved with some kind of group to try to make some friends and get over my anxiety.  See i don't really go anywhere except to sams, HEB, and Walmart.  On sundays we have been going to the park with the kids and i do take them to the pool. But i don't really associate much with other people.  I did join a parents bible study group a few months ago but that didn't turn out well.  I did join a gym but there was an incident a couple weeks ago with katie and i'm embarrassed to go back..but even there i don't talk to anyone.  I don't think what I need right now is to be around people.  I'm so unsure of myself that i find myself annoying at times.  Going to the craft show was alot for me and i was only there for 30 minutes.  My therapist worries i spend too much inside the safety of my home but I think its okay.  She suggested going back to church but right now i'm having issues with my faith and don't think church is the best place to be right now..besides i'm always so nervous about going that it does more harm than good.  She thought about a moms day out program or play group but with the kids in school and just adam being home not sure about that. Besides with the kids in school i am going to be having to go to things there..that counts as getting out. I am happy with being at home and i think its hard for her to understand and i guess for me hard to see where she's coming from.  So what do you all think?  Am i super wierd for wanting to be at home instead of making friends?

Monday, May 02, 2011

What to do

So I found out that Katherine cut herself again.  She says it makes her feel better when something upsets her.  She doesn't cut deep, just in different spots on her wrists; which she covers up with bands.  I do not know what to do.  The therapist she sees doesn't really handle this sort of issue and if I tell her, they may drop her (its a free clinic).  Her psychiatrist may need to change her meds.  She is taking two but i'm not sure if it is helping.  I told her I wouldn't tell her dad this time, but if she does it again I am going to have to say something.  He told her if she did it again he is going to kick her out (or at least let the state take her).  I'm not sure he can do that, but she really doesn't want to go to a foster home or a group home (which is where I think she needs to be).  She needs to be in an intensive therapy program but her dad will not let her go.  Not really sure why.  Something needs to be done and  I do not know what to do.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

A Division of Two Doves

I am slowly walking through fields of citrus, feeling the sunshine on my skin.  A slight breeze is blowing, giving the flowers a dance to dance.  I skip through the fields taking in the wonderful fragrence, feeling carefree and happy.  I see oranges, lemons, limes, grapefruits, and all kinds of other fruits.  I pick an orange, breathing in the smell.  It is so wonderful.  I lay down in the fields. 
I am wrapped up in sheets of dark maroon.  Egyptian silk. They glow in the candlelight, candles of rosewood scent.They feel so good against my skin. I roll over in them as I bite into a piece of dark chocolate.  They are so cool, so fresh, so warm that I never want to leave. I wear a sheet as I run through the fields of citrus. Feeling refreshed and yet sleepy.
(Dove Citrus Scent and Dove Cream Oil Rosewood and Cocoa Butter Scent Bodywash)

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


He sits on the lounge chair, rubbing the tanning oil over his body.  His arms are well toned, not overly buff, but just the right amount of muscle.  His body is so beautiful to looke at.  I lose myself in him.  Those rock solid abs, tight muscular legs, and a smile that lights up his face.  I look at him from head to toe, slowly drinking him in.  He smiles right at me and I smile back, my face blushing a bit. 
"Mommy, look at adam.  Mommy!" Lauren laughs, as she lets go of the stroller Adam is riding in.  She wants to see how fast he will go down the sidewalk. She jolts me out of my thoughts, as I literally notice I am staring at the guy at the pool.  Lucky for me I am wearing my sunglasses and hopes he didn't notice.  I laugh as I run after the stroller to keep it from bumping into the rail.
We get past the pool and arrive at the bus stop to pick Kyle up.  I sit there, awaiting the bus' arrival, thinking of the life I have now.  Marriage versus single.  Kids versus having no kids.  There are some days I get so frustrated with them (like this weekend when Kyle tried to light a match) or sometimes when I get frustrated with my husband.  I think of all the things I did when I was younger.  As the bus arrives, and as my Kyle steps off the bus, I am thankful for where i am now.  No second guessing, just a quick thanks to the Lord for helping me to get to where I am now.  I love my husband and my kids, but I think a little eye candy and mini fantasy to escape reality isnt so bad now and then.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

A Path

I have done something I consider to be very brave; something very difficult but that needed to be done.  I am proud of me but also sad at what I feel is a loss.  This time though, saying goodbye was good for me.  I have learned that goodbyes do not have to be forever, they can be just for a short-time.  I feel a bit stronger and maybe a new path to start upon.  I have had a wonderful person guide for me awhile and now I am on my own.  I am currently doing my own study, am looking things up myself and finding my own answers to my questions.  Although I only have my husband to have discussions with, I know that with him I don't have to hide my crazy side.  I hope that the people who have prayed for our family and who have been there these past few years understand. 
So heres to finding who I am.

On the Rocks

I am standing on the edge, looking at the waters below; it is a long way down.  The wind is very fierce today and I imagine I can feel the waves that are crashing about down below. I wonder if I should step off.  To stay means facing things I can't face and to step off means freedom.  Freedom from the pain and misery I feel swallowed up in.  I want so badly to feel the wind beneath and above me, carrying me away.  For that one moment I do not feel..there is nothing but the taste of peacefulness.  I want that moment so badly.  Yet I am so hesitant; I know that moments don't last and there is always something after, good or bad.  I am tired of the bad. I scream out, knowing the wind drowns out my scream but hoping it carries it away.  I shed a tear, knowing it stays on my face but hoping it drops into the waves, becoming part of something bigger.  I am a just a person hoping to be something more than what I am but not quite sure of the road to be traveled. 

Sunday, April 10, 2011


I am surrounded by darkness; it covers me like a blanket.  No light can penetrate it, no matter how hard I try to let it in. My heart is hardened for whatever reason. The darkness whispers I can not be forgiven; I am shameful; I am unloved.  I am covered in guilt, shame, sin, bitterness, anger, resentment..I am joyless.  I try to be joyful, kind, forgiving but the darkness overwhelms and I sink deeper into the darkness of the water.  It grabs hold and does not let go.  I am lost among the waves of the deep, creatures never seen torment me.  They are my judges and my punishment is never ending.  I am lost to the light never again to see it.

Friday, April 08, 2011

Been Awile

So I guess it has been awhile since I posted.  Alot of changes have happened.  Had a baby, Adam, born on October 24 of 2009.  This is Kyle's first year of school (kinder) had I think he handled it alright.  He missed his sister alot so has spent some days at home. Lauren is excited about turning five in two months; she can't decide between strawberry shortcake and disney princesses.  Katherine is now living with her dad and is being a teen.