Thursday, August 30, 2012

To sleep or not sleep on it

Ephesians 4:26-27
Be angry but do not sin; dont let the sun go down on your anger, and do not make room for the devil.

Yay anger is okay..booo can't go to sleep on my anger lest the devil comes into my head. Okay maybe not exactly that but I did believe that sometimes it is okay to go to bed with my anger. Looking back though it isn't really. Sleeping doesn't take it away and I wake up more moody and grouchy than normal. Even when time needs to be given after an argument or as in the case of my husband, I may do something to upset him and he just needs time to tell me because he is so angry. What I have found helps with us, for some reason we got into the pattern of talking as we are going to bed. There have been times whne we have literally laid in bed talking until midnight or one in the morning. This has brought us closer and I know it doesn't work for everyone but for us, I don't know it just seems to work. It isn't always about anger or feelings, sometimes we just talk about stuff.
Getting back to the verse though, I have always looked at my anger as a negative thing. I mean, I do negative things when i'm mad so it must be a bad feeling, right? No. God says it is okay to be mad, its okay to let the people who upset know you are mad, but to not let the anger take you over. Do not sin when you are angry. So, it's bad to talk bad about someone because they upset you, its bad to take your anger out on someone, it's bad to kill when your angry (okay i know none of us would actually kill someone but sometimes you just want to..or maybe that's me).
Getting rid of anger is probably one of the hardest things to do. We can let whoever made us mad know, but sometimes we still hold onto it. In the verse it says to not let the sun go down and do not make room for the devil. By holding onto it we are inviting sin in; we are inviting satan in our heart by staying anger. When we let the anger get the better of us,we are letting satan lead us down a path God doesn't want us to go. If we let it go, give it God, then we have a better chance of not getting angry again. For me its huge to try to let go of the small stuff; its all the small stuff that adds up to me blowing my top. I hate feeling the guilt after blowing up; how much nicer it would be to feel the anger and then release it to the Lord.
My prayer today is Lord, I am glad to be able to be angry, but help me to give it you God. Help me to let go and not hold on. Let me not sin and invite the devil in by my anger; instead make it positive. Amen.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Unmet Needs

We all have needs, not just physical; it can be as simple as wanting some personal time everyday or just quiet time. Whether it is big needs or small needs, when they go unmet we can often feel sad, angry, frustrated, and annoyed. Truth is, it shouldn't make us feel that way but we are only human so of course feelings come into play. I know my biggest problem, what gets me so frustrated at times is the need to be accepted. There are times when go into a place and I just want so badly not to screw up with what I say or how I act that I would just rather not to go. My anxiety creeps in and before you know it I'm rambling to people about stuff they probably don't want to know. I'm paranoid if I don't make a good impression than no one will like but sometimes I walk out with people not liking me because I let my fears and anxiety get in the way. My need of acceptence wasn't met as a child and is hardly met as an adult. When I am accepted, I find it hard to believe so I still don't feel accepted. My need of acceptance will never be met because I can't accept myself most of the time. This is the time when I should turn to God; when we should turn to HIM. The fact is no one can meet all the needs we have, especailly a need that can not be met due to our damaged lives. When a need goes unmet, and we find ourselves getting angry, sad, frustrated or any other emotion, remember Phillipians 4:19: And my God will fully satisfy every need of yours according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. How much happier will we be if we can just remember that God will fulfill our needs. He will take care of us; to stop looking to our spouse, our children, other people to fulfill our hearts when all we have to do is turn to God.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Matthew 13:45-46

Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who when he had found one pearl of great price went and sold all the he had and bought it.

So does God really fight for me? Does he? I say yes. God wants us and will trade everything for us. That is what this verse says. I believe God will do everything in his power to save us, to save me. I have seen this in my life which I tend to forget when I am depressed. During my depression HE is right beside me fighting to keep me from falling over to the "dark side." I haven't always been able to keep from falling but I have been able to climb out because of HIM. He has fought for me in so many ways and yet when I am sad I don't believe that I am a beloved child of Christ. I don't believe I am loved. I don't believe that God wants me. Yet, he does, otherwise I wouldn't be here. I have been repeating this verse last night and this morning, and will do so throughtout the day. It goes in hand with Psalm 8:4
What is man (who am I) that you are mindful of him (me), And the son of man (me) that YOU visit him (me).
The question is God do you really love me? Are you really out there? Do you really visit me? Can you really love someone like me? How is it you can answer my prayers and be by my side?
Yes HE loves me, HE listens to me, HE feels my brokenness, and HE is out there hearing my prayers.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

This has been a really hard month for me. I have let depression get the better of me and it has left me completely drained. I have gone to my bible study class and have taken in the lessons and I have prayed and God has been good in so many areas; yet I have felt defeated on the inside. I have struggled with how I am a parent, how I react to certain things, and that how others view me and how view myself are so different. I have been miserable and had thought I have done a pretty good at hiding it. As I look back though I don't think I have. Every week at bible study I think I have been negative in some way or near tears, I go home keeping it together only to lash out at my children in a negative manner. Then I feel as I have failed in the parent department; well actually I just normally feel that way because of Kat.
I haven't felt the desire to do anything I like. I haven't exercised, I haven't eaten right and that has affected my health, I haven't been sleeping well, haven't been reading or doing my cross-stitch and my sex drive is non existent. Tell you the truth I am so tired of feeeling this way. I hate feeling this way. Can not tell you how many times I have wished for God to take me away from this world. I am too chicken to commit suicide. I have had enough of feeling  this great sadness.
So I am going to start swimming twice a week. I am going to do a RPM class three times a week. I am going to do my P90x or UFC workout three to four times a week. I will eat better. I will stop yelling at kids and show them the grace and love they deserve. I will overcome this. But I need prayers so please pray for me as I struggle to beat my depression. No more moping. It is time to take action.