Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Bad Day

It hasn't been easy. Every day I wake up and force myself to get out of bed to take care of my children. Each minute of the day I think of them as a reason to go on living. I think of what would happen to them if I died. I know they would be split apart (different dads) and I couldn't handle doing that to them. I do think they would be better off. There are days I just let them watch tv or play becasue I am so unhappy or so angry I feel like i'm going to burst. I really hate who I am and how I am. I do try. I hate that I'm so nervous when I talk to people. I hate that I'm so anxious all the time. I try so hard to make friends with people but I don't. There is something about me that seems to drive them away. I suppose if i can't like who I am how can I expect anyone to like who I am. I try to repeat to myself about God's love and him giving be strength and so on. It is so hard. I am adrift in a sea not ever being rescued but never able to drown. I wish I didn't feel so alone and worthless. I wish a lot of things. I wish I was able to end my life so I could stop the madness. I am a chicken. There a lot of things I want to say about, well about..guess it doesn't matter. You know why a psychiatrist won't give me medication..because I'm too suicidal. I used to hide that fact from people but the past few months I don't care if people know. I have no qualms saying I wish I could die. I'm tired of fighting. I am so tired of trying but never getting anywhere. I hear the message but I can't claim it. How sad is that? I'm so broken inside I don't even know where to begin.  It takes every bit of strength I have to not end it but maybe one of these days I will get the courage to do so.

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Sunday's reading and work was a bit overwhelming; had to think about so many things I hadn't thought about in a very long time. Well i'm sure I thought about 'em deep down in my brain somewhere. Sometimes I don't know if examing the past helps to get better in the present. Coming from me that is so hard to hear since I am a huge history buff. I may not know as many facts as Nicholas Cage or be able to tell you every type of war plane and sub used in every war like my husband, but I think I know a lot. Wonder if I could get on Jeopardy? Nah, probably ask questions I don't know. Anyways, when looking at an abusive past does it really help? I have been a bit more moody yesterday and know it is because of having to think about things. Does a person who was a prison of war get over the anger and depression by reliving it or trying to forget? What about a survivor of the camps during WWII? Or the people who come back from war totally screwed up? Does it really help? Yes, no..I don't know. Maybe for some and not for others. I can't forget the past, no matter how much I want to, and it is too early to tell if this is really going to make me more sane.
2cnd Corinthians 4:8-9
We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed but not driven to despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down but not destroyed. (shouldn't this be in a song? )

Monday, September 03, 2012

Getting Past the Past

At some point I have to let go of the anger and extreme great sadness I feel over what happened with Katherine, CPS, the  courts, and being seperated from the kids. I can not keep letting it affect me the way it does. This past summer was very hard me; I don't know if it was having Kat every day or just the whole experience. There were literally days when I couldn't get out of bed until 11 am or noon. It has been two years since our experience with CPS has been over; 4 years since it all began and yet it still feels raw. It is as if it happened yesterday. I have realized there are no easy answers; things happen that can not always be explained. I can say one thing, Micau and I are stronger than we ever were. The Chambless family is stronger; everyone came together; his parents, his siblings, all pitched in. The kids were not taken from the family no matter how hard CPS tried to get them out. I am grateful for that. I am grateful for the blessings we had during the experience: people in our congregration who prayed for us, Roz who supervised our visits and once got to know the situation was so helpful, the woman who did the supervised visits in Beeville, she was a strong christian who prayed for us, and a few others who can not be mentioned but deserve to be. God was present and helped us get through. Life isn't always fair; sometimes it just is what it is. We all need to accept that bad things happen, not to other people but in our own lives. Once we stop asking the whys and instead say thank you God for helping us and for the blessings you placed in the situation can make all the difference of making it through and getting past whatever situation you are in. It is my choice on how I deal with my circumstances and I have chosen to let it bother me anymore and instead say Thank You God for all that you do.
Psalm 103:2-5a
Bless the Lord my soul, and do not forget all his benefits-who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good as long as you live...