Peace and Joy

I am currently reading a book called What Really Matters and one of the chapters in it is on peace and joy. After reading it I begin thinking about my sister. My youner sister. She and I were close when we were younger but when my parents divorced we grew apart. (It should be noted that I am adopted and she is my real sister; the family I currently call parents and siblings is my god family as I dont have a good relationship with my adopted parents). She stayed with my mom and I came here to Texas with my dad, I was 13 and she was 10. Our relationship grew worse when she came out here to stay with my dad one summer and moved here for awhile after 18. She dropped out of school. She started doing drugs when she was 11 (learned from my parents) was smoking at 11 too. She started drinking at 13. She harbored different views about how we grew up. She lied about me to our godfamily and for awhile my family and I weren't on speaking terms. As a result of her, I never knew what to expect with her phone calls. She eventually burned every bridge in the family; then she would want to talk to me about how everyone wronged her; how it is everbody elses' fault for how her life turned out. I used to blame myself for some of the things she did...after all I took care of her until I left. I potected her from so much. It got so bad with her phone calls that about 1 1/2 years ago I told her never to call me again...I didn't ever want to hear from her again. I would just get so depressed...I had to start therapy again because of our conversations. She just would not let go of the past. I couldn't handle her blaming me and everything she would ask about. She put so much stress on me. And now, when I think of her...i just think of the past 5 years..i used to think about when we were little and how much fun we would have. Swinging and singing paula abdul songs. We had fun growing up. But those memoirs seem so far away compared to current ones. We left on bad terms. Reading the chapter made me realize I long to find peace with her and made me make a decision to try to only think of the joyful moments between us and not the bad. I miss her very much and am sadden at the thought of never knowing how she is doing or if she is still alive. I pray and hope that she isn't using anymore; that she isn't drinking. ...that she really has her life together as she has said so many times. Sometimes I couldn't tell the lies apart. I miss the sweetness that she had...her wonderful smile. I love my sister and hope that one day I can repair our relationship. I love you sis...your big sis.