Wednesday, September 12, 2012
It hasn't been easy. Every day I wake up and force myself to get out of bed to take care of my children. Each minute of the day I think of them as a reason to go on living. I think of what would happen to them if I died. I know they would be split apart (different dads) and I couldn't handle doing that to them. I do think they would be better off. There are days I just let them watch tv or play becasue I am so unhappy or so angry I feel like i'm going to burst. I really hate who I am and how I am. I do try. I hate that I'm so nervous when I talk to people. I hate that I'm so anxious all the time. I try so hard to make friends with people but I don't. There is something about me that seems to drive them away. I suppose if i can't like who I am how can I expect anyone to like who I am. I try to repeat to myself about God's love and him giving be strength and so on. It is so hard. I am adrift in a sea not ever being rescued but never able to drown. I wish I didn't feel so alone and worthless. I wish a lot of things. I wish I was able to end my life so I could stop the madness. I am a chicken. There a lot of things I want to say about, well about..guess it doesn't matter. You know why a psychiatrist won't give me medication..because I'm too suicidal. I used to hide that fact from people but the past few months I don't care if people know. I have no qualms saying I wish I could die. I'm tired of fighting. I am so tired of trying but never getting anywhere. I hear the message but I can't claim it. How sad is that? I'm so broken inside I don't even know where to begin. It takes every bit of strength I have to not end it but maybe one of these days I will get the courage to do so.