Wednesday, August 15, 2012

This has been a really hard month for me. I have let depression get the better of me and it has left me completely drained. I have gone to my bible study class and have taken in the lessons and I have prayed and God has been good in so many areas; yet I have felt defeated on the inside. I have struggled with how I am a parent, how I react to certain things, and that how others view me and how view myself are so different. I have been miserable and had thought I have done a pretty good at hiding it. As I look back though I don't think I have. Every week at bible study I think I have been negative in some way or near tears, I go home keeping it together only to lash out at my children in a negative manner. Then I feel as I have failed in the parent department; well actually I just normally feel that way because of Kat.
I haven't felt the desire to do anything I like. I haven't exercised, I haven't eaten right and that has affected my health, I haven't been sleeping well, haven't been reading or doing my cross-stitch and my sex drive is non existent. Tell you the truth I am so tired of feeeling this way. I hate feeling this way. Can not tell you how many times I have wished for God to take me away from this world. I am too chicken to commit suicide. I have had enough of feeling  this great sadness.
So I am going to start swimming twice a week. I am going to do a RPM class three times a week. I am going to do my P90x or UFC workout three to four times a week. I will eat better. I will stop yelling at kids and show them the grace and love they deserve. I will overcome this. But I need prayers so please pray for me as I struggle to beat my depression. No more moping. It is time to take action.

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