Bad Day

It hasn't been easy. Every day I wake up and force myself to get out of bed to take care of my children. Each minute of the day I think of them as a reason to go on living. I think of what would happen to them if I died. I know they would be split apart (different dads) and I couldn't handle doing that to them. I do think they would be better off. There are days I just let them watch tv or play becasue I am so unhappy or so angry I feel like i'm going to burst. I really hate who I am and how I am. I do try. I hate that I'm so nervous when I talk to people. I hate that I'm so anxious all the time. I try so hard to make friends with people but I don't. There is something about me that seems to drive them away. I suppose if i can't like who I am how can I expect anyone to like who I am. I try to repeat to myself about God's love and him giving be strength and so on. It is so hard. I am adrift in a sea not ever being rescued but never able to drown. I wish I didn't feel so alone and worthless. I wish a lot of things. I wish I was able to end my life so I could stop the madness. I am a chicken. There a lot of things I want to say about, well about..guess it doesn't matter. You know why a psychiatrist won't give me medication..because I'm too suicidal. I used to hide that fact from people but the past few months I don't care if people know. I have no qualms saying I wish I could die. I'm tired of fighting. I am so tired of trying but never getting anywhere. I hear the message but I can't claim it. How sad is that? I'm so broken inside I don't even know where to begin.  It takes every bit of strength I have to not end it but maybe one of these days I will get the courage to do so.

Sunday's reading and work was a bit overwhelming; had to think about so many things I hadn't thought about in a very long time. Well i'm sure I thought about 'em deep down in my brain somewhere. Sometimes I don't know if examing the past helps to get better in the present. Coming from me that is so hard to hear since I am a huge history buff. I may not know as many facts as Nicholas Cage or be able to tell you every type of war plane and sub used in every war like my husband, but I think I know a lot. Wonder if I could get on Jeopardy? Nah, probably ask questions I don't know. Anyways, when looking at an abusive past does it really help? I have been a bit more moody yesterday and know it is because of having to think about things. Does a person who was a prison of war get over the anger and depression by reliving it or trying to forget? What about a survivor of the camps during WWII? Or the people who come back from war totally screwed up? Does it really help? Yes, no..I don't know. Maybe for some and not for others. I can't forget the past, no matter how much I want to, and it is too early to tell if this is really going to make me more sane.
2cnd Corinthians 4:8-9
We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed but not driven to despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down but not destroyed. (shouldn't this be in a song? )

Getting Past the Past

At some point I have to let go of the anger and extreme great sadness I feel over what happened with Katherine, CPS, the  courts, and being seperated from the kids. I can not keep letting it affect me the way it does. This past summer was very hard me; I don't know if it was having Kat every day or just the whole experience. There were literally days when I couldn't get out of bed until 11 am or noon. It has been two years since our experience with CPS has been over; 4 years since it all began and yet it still feels raw. It is as if it happened yesterday. I have realized there are no easy answers; things happen that can not always be explained. I can say one thing, Micau and I are stronger than we ever were. The Chambless family is stronger; everyone came together; his parents, his siblings, all pitched in. The kids were not taken from the family no matter how hard CPS tried to get them out. I am grateful for that. I am grateful for the blessings we had during the experience: people in our congregration who prayed for us, Roz who supervised our visits and once got to know the situation was so helpful, the woman who did the supervised visits in Beeville, she was a strong christian who prayed for us, and a few others who can not be mentioned but deserve to be. God was present and helped us get through. Life isn't always fair; sometimes it just is what it is. We all need to accept that bad things happen, not to other people but in our own lives. Once we stop asking the whys and instead say thank you God for helping us and for the blessings you placed in the situation can make all the difference of making it through and getting past whatever situation you are in. It is my choice on how I deal with my circumstances and I have chosen to let it bother me anymore and instead say Thank You God for all that you do.
Psalm 103:2-5a
Bless the Lord my soul, and do not forget all his benefits-who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good as long as you live...

To sleep or not sleep on it

Ephesians 4:26-27
Be angry but do not sin; dont let the sun go down on your anger, and do not make room for the devil.

Yay anger is okay..booo can't go to sleep on my anger lest the devil comes into my head. Okay maybe not exactly that but I did believe that sometimes it is okay to go to bed with my anger. Looking back though it isn't really. Sleeping doesn't take it away and I wake up more moody and grouchy than normal. Even when time needs to be given after an argument or as in the case of my husband, I may do something to upset him and he just needs time to tell me because he is so angry. What I have found helps with us, for some reason we got into the pattern of talking as we are going to bed. There have been times whne we have literally laid in bed talking until midnight or one in the morning. This has brought us closer and I know it doesn't work for everyone but for us, I don't know it just seems to work. It isn't always about anger or feelings, sometimes we just talk about stuff.
Getting back to the verse though, I have always looked at my anger as a negative thing. I mean, I do negative things when i'm mad so it must be a bad feeling, right? No. God says it is okay to be mad, its okay to let the people who upset know you are mad, but to not let the anger take you over. Do not sin when you are angry. So, it's bad to talk bad about someone because they upset you, its bad to take your anger out on someone, it's bad to kill when your angry (okay i know none of us would actually kill someone but sometimes you just want to..or maybe that's me).
Getting rid of anger is probably one of the hardest things to do. We can let whoever made us mad know, but sometimes we still hold onto it. In the verse it says to not let the sun go down and do not make room for the devil. By holding onto it we are inviting sin in; we are inviting satan in our heart by staying anger. When we let the anger get the better of us,we are letting satan lead us down a path God doesn't want us to go. If we let it go, give it God, then we have a better chance of not getting angry again. For me its huge to try to let go of the small stuff; its all the small stuff that adds up to me blowing my top. I hate feeling the guilt after blowing up; how much nicer it would be to feel the anger and then release it to the Lord.
My prayer today is Lord, I am glad to be able to be angry, but help me to give it you God. Help me to let go and not hold on. Let me not sin and invite the devil in by my anger; instead make it positive. Amen.

Unmet Needs

We all have needs, not just physical; it can be as simple as wanting some personal time everyday or just quiet time. Whether it is big needs or small needs, when they go unmet we can often feel sad, angry, frustrated, and annoyed. Truth is, it shouldn't make us feel that way but we are only human so of course feelings come into play. I know my biggest problem, what gets me so frustrated at times is the need to be accepted. There are times when go into a place and I just want so badly not to screw up with what I say or how I act that I would just rather not to go. My anxiety creeps in and before you know it I'm rambling to people about stuff they probably don't want to know. I'm paranoid if I don't make a good impression than no one will like but sometimes I walk out with people not liking me because I let my fears and anxiety get in the way. My need of acceptence wasn't met as a child and is hardly met as an adult. When I am accepted, I find it hard to believe so I still don't feel accepted. My need of acceptance will never be met because I can't accept myself most of the time. This is the time when I should turn to God; when we should turn to HIM. The fact is no one can meet all the needs we have, especailly a need that can not be met due to our damaged lives. When a need goes unmet, and we find ourselves getting angry, sad, frustrated or any other emotion, remember Phillipians 4:19: And my God will fully satisfy every need of yours according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. How much happier will we be if we can just remember that God will fulfill our needs. He will take care of us; to stop looking to our spouse, our children, other people to fulfill our hearts when all we have to do is turn to God.

Matthew 13:45-46

Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who when he had found one pearl of great price went and sold all the he had and bought it.

So does God really fight for me? Does he? I say yes. God wants us and will trade everything for us. That is what this verse says. I believe God will do everything in his power to save us, to save me. I have seen this in my life which I tend to forget when I am depressed. During my depression HE is right beside me fighting to keep me from falling over to the "dark side." I haven't always been able to keep from falling but I have been able to climb out because of HIM. He has fought for me in so many ways and yet when I am sad I don't believe that I am a beloved child of Christ. I don't believe I am loved. I don't believe that God wants me. Yet, he does, otherwise I wouldn't be here. I have been repeating this verse last night and this morning, and will do so throughtout the day. It goes in hand with Psalm 8:4
What is man (who am I) that you are mindful of him (me), And the son of man (me) that YOU visit him (me).
The question is God do you really love me? Are you really out there? Do you really visit me? Can you really love someone like me? How is it you can answer my prayers and be by my side?
Yes HE loves me, HE listens to me, HE feels my brokenness, and HE is out there hearing my prayers.

This has been a really hard month for me. I have let depression get the better of me and it has left me completely drained. I have gone to my bible study class and have taken in the lessons and I have prayed and God has been good in so many areas; yet I have felt defeated on the inside. I have struggled with how I am a parent, how I react to certain things, and that how others view me and how view myself are so different. I have been miserable and had thought I have done a pretty good at hiding it. As I look back though I don't think I have. Every week at bible study I think I have been negative in some way or near tears, I go home keeping it together only to lash out at my children in a negative manner. Then I feel as I have failed in the parent department; well actually I just normally feel that way because of Kat.
I haven't felt the desire to do anything I like. I haven't exercised, I haven't eaten right and that has affected my health, I haven't been sleeping well, haven't been reading or doing my cross-stitch and my sex drive is non existent. Tell you the truth I am so tired of feeeling this way. I hate feeling this way. Can not tell you how many times I have wished for God to take me away from this world. I am too chicken to commit suicide. I have had enough of feeling  this great sadness.
So I am going to start swimming twice a week. I am going to do a RPM class three times a week. I am going to do my P90x or UFC workout three to four times a week. I will eat better. I will stop yelling at kids and show them the grace and love they deserve. I will overcome this. But I need prayers so please pray for me as I struggle to beat my depression. No more moping. It is time to take action.